Grenades or Nukes?
by iKiller-Panda
Summary: America, Russia, England, Sealand, and Grenades and Nukes. What could possibly go wrong? AmericaXUK if you squint. CrackFic Warning.


Authors Note: Warning, Pure crack fic. Total History inaccuracy! I might go OOC a bit, but it's my first fanfic, so bear with me? 3 XD

Idea is all thanks to my friend Erica, who randomly started coming up with this. XDD

"It's 657 A.D and Russia has about eighty six thousand nukes due to some crazy time travel thing look I have no idea just put nukes in there. America who hasn't even been born yet is like 'we have grenades' but England's like 'you dumb whore no one has grenades what are grenades' so America's all 'this is a grenade' and throws it at Sealand which makes everyone go 'okay.' So Russia and America try to settle a fight between what's better, grenades or nukes and somehow America wins and throw cross dressing in there look I don't know I don't like generic stuff JUST PUT IN NUKES, GRENADES AND CROSSDRESSING AND PEOPLE WILL ENJOY IT."

* * *

_What is the date? It is 657 A. D. _

_My name is Ivan, Da~? I represent Russia, whom you shall one day become one with. Today we finished our little secret, and it's the eighty-sixth __**thousandth**__~ Da?_

_Ah you would like to know what that secret is. Well… You cannot know until you become one with mother Russia~ kolkolkolkolkol._

_Anyways, _

_Good-bye America, go die, mhmk? _

Alfred stared dumbstruck at the letter that was handed to him. Had Ivan officially gone insane? He quickly scanned the letter again, and then corrected himself. No not gone insane, for the man IS insanity. Troubled, he ran a hand through his hair and glanced to his phone. Should he call England?

He snorted and shook his head no. _I can't call Arthur, a Hero __never__ asks for help!_ Instead, he called up his boss. "Look, make gazillion grenades! Look, don't ask, it's Russia. Yeah, I know, it explains everything. Mhmk, bye!" Leaning back, feeling quite proud because grenades could fix _anything_ he decided to treat himself to some McDonalds.

Walking down the street, he soon realized, McDonalds don't exist yet. Feeling utterly depressed, Alfred started walking back to his home when he saw something com flying towards him. It was a nuke. "AHH! WHAT THE-" He cut off as he started running away from the thousands of nukes attacking him, taking one glance behind him, he saw who was throwing the nukes, Russia. _Of course_! Alfred complained in his mind. Suddenly, he struck a heroic position and pointed at Ivan. "I will not be taken down this easily!!"

Charging towards Ivan, Alfred whipped out a grenade shaped like a hamburger, even though they didn't exist yet. "GRENADES PWN ALL!!!" He shouted, using chatspeak, which also didn't exist yet.

"America, you _idiot_!" A familiar voice rang out, stopping both Ivan and Alfred. They both turned to see a steaming English man, otherwise known as Arthur. "What _are_ you doing? You don't even exist yet! Also, the hell are you _talking_ about?! What are these things called grenades in which you _speak of?!" _

Whipping out the grenade again, America grinned and tossed it towards everyone's favorite micronation, Sealand.

"Ahh! No, not Peter!!" Then England took off running towards Sealand, completely forgetting the non-existent America fighting Russia.

Turning, Alfred dug out another grenade, shoving it in Ivan's face, though Ivan's childish grin never wiped from his face. "Don't piss Mother Russia of, da?" He said, adding another childish act, with a head tilt. "And obviously, Nukes are ten times better." He then shoved a nuke back into Alfred's face. "_Kolkolkolkolkolkolkol…_"

This pissed Alfred off to the max, and he stared at the place where Russia's heart was supposed to be, grinning as he realized it had fallen out. The perfect situation. A sadistic smirk showed on his face as he quickly whipped his hand around and got it into Russia's chest. Ivan's grin finally wiped from his face as he looked up and glowered, then suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Alfred was confused for a moment. _What just happened exactly..?_ He shrugged it off, and then looked down at his clothing, noticing he was wearing a frilly pink dress. The lace cut down low on his chest and in the back was a big pink bow. Blinking, he spun around, the dress flaring out around him. He giggled; it was amusing to watch the dress spin. Twirl, twirl, twirl, and the dress always followed.

* * *

Alfred jolted awake, horrified by his dream. What _did_ he eat last night?! Whatever it was, it gave him nightmares, horrifying, horrifying nightmares. He shivered just thinking of the dream. Trying to go past the dream, he thought of what he ate the night before, before noticing a certain English Gentleman in bed next to him, and remembered the flavor of horrible English food. "Ah, explains _everything_." He muttered aloud and then lied back down next to Arthur, wrapping his arms around the man, feeling safer from his dream. He leaned down and whispered into the man's ear,

"Remind me to _never_ let you cook again."

* * *

AN: Ahhh, that totally sucked. XDDD But it's supposed to be crack.

Review, please?


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